MUST EAT!!!

Now, you're probably thinking this means something other than what it does, namely that I am starving, dying to eat the things I am "depriving" myself of in an effort to lose weight.

On the contrary, I have no desire to eat and barely any appetite. If I've eaten 10 actual meals in the last month, I'd be shocked. (BTW, that's BAD. That means my metabolism is probably slowing to practically nothing right now, despite working out.)

There are a few parts to this: first, the former pseudo-significant other. I was "dating" someone who, in a desire to lose weight before modeling in a show, basically decided not to eat anymore. Obviously then, I did not want to eat when I was with him (him having no weight to lose, except MAYBE in the modeling world, and me having much weight to lose still). Add to that his near-constant comments about my weight: "heavy," "chubby," etc. and his constant evaluations of other women's physiques. It got to the point where I had to explain to him explicitly (both verbally and in writing) that each time he made such a comment, even if it was a back-handed compliment, it was like he was sticking a knife in my heart. Add to that the positive affirmation I received each time I had lost additional weight when he saw me. (I mean, I am down 2 or 3 jean sizes since we met.) That was nice, but it also, unfortunately, reinforced my lack of desire to eat and lack of appetite.

Remember that fitness is both physical and mental, and they are inextricably intertwined.

Enter the part where things went south with pseudo-sig other, and I realized he was not treating me the way I deserve to be treated. Trust me when I say that it took A LOT to get to that point (a lot more than most people would deal with) because I really adored him.

Having grown up in a household of domestic violence where my father ruled with an iron fist and a leather belt, I am, sadly, used to being treated badly by men. As a result, looking back, I always let my boyfriends treat me badly, not to the point of being beaten, thankfully, but VERY BADLY. It wasn't until a year and a half ago or so that I finally stood up to the person I had been dating for the better part of a year and said, "F%&# you. I deserve better. Goodbye." That's how damaged my self-esteem was...

And still is...this time, it took me a much shorter time to tell my "special friend" that I deserved better and to say goodbye much as it hurt. Still, even as I sit here and write this, knowing how miserably things ended, I question myself. Maybe I made too big a deal out of things. Maybe I was being too sensitive. Maybe I shouldn't have let his comments bother me. Maybe then we'd still be "dating" instead of me being back in the NYC dating cesspool again. At least I'd have someone attaractive of the opposite sex to spend intimate time with, right?

I know deep down that I did the right thing and that I wasn't being treated well. I have to remind myself again and again though, daily, even hourly, especially on nights like tonight, when I had hoped to spend time with this person, that I am better off being alone than being with someone who treats me badly. This is an extremely difficult mental challenge that I face now and probably will face for the rest of my life with respect to whomever I "date."

Then, there was the stomach flu, my parting gift from Mr. Wrong shortly post-Valentine's Day. That was good for a week or so of little to no eating because anything and everything made me violently ill.

Then, there's the issue of logistics. I have been out of work for two months which, for me, means I've been going to bed at 2 or 3 in the morning most nights and sleeping until mid-day. My entire body clock is off.

Part of the reason I did really well losing weight this fall was that I was working regular hours and, with a regimented work schedule, was, thus, able to do a decent job of forcing myself to eat three meals a day.

I've never been a breakfast person. I HATE breakfast food. In this journey to fit, I have finally gotten to a point though where I know that I need to eat three times a day, and I realize that breakfast can be whatever I want it to be as long as there's protein involved.

Now comes tomorrow - WORK - amen! Hopefully, now that I will be working regular days again, my body clock will reset itself, I will regain an appetite and desire to eat, and I will be eating three meals a day again in addition to working out.

That's my challenge for this week...stay tuned.

Why the journey?

So, here's the skinny...I'm fat. 

It took me a few years to say that sentence, and it still makes me nauseous each time I say it.

I was always skinny. If not skinny, at least toned and curvy in the right places. 


I call this photo from when I was a 22-year-old college senior my "Thinspiration" photo. I may not ever look like that again, but I can sure as hell try. (As an aside, I was not happy with my weight then, but more on that later.)



I had gained weight leading up to Mom's death, but in this photo, my go-to photo for everything, taken a few months after Mom's death in 2006, I certainly don't think I look fat.

SAC Benefit, November 2006

So, what happened? It wasn't about loving food or anything like that. It was simply about loss and depression. I was so engulfed with grief after my Mom died on Mother's Day 2006 that I lost track of everything else but my grief, including what I was eating.

It took a good three to four years to realize what I had done to and what I had not done for my body. The curvy-in-all-the-right-places body was gone, replaced by a body and a person in the mirror that I didn't recognize. Here I was, a skinny girl, trapped in this fat suit of my own making.

When I started experiencing severe lower back pain and some joint pain in the summer of 2009, I knew it was time to make a drastic change.

I started looking into the possibility of  bariatric (weight loss) surgery, but I wasn't sure that was the right option for me.

The proverbial straw that broke the camel's back came when I visited my brother and his family in Los Angeles that summer. My then-3-year-old niece, Alicia, was playing on the Wii Fit and creating avatars for everyone. (Wii Fit collects information such as your height and weight to help with this and with achieving your fitness goals.) She created an avatar for her aunt and one for her Mom and one for her sister and one for me. I so vividly remember her innocently saying, "Look, Auntie Rachel...everyone else is straight, and you're round," as I struggled to hold back tears. And so I was - on the Wii Fit screen and in life. I vowed that I never wanted my niece to have to see me "round" again.

Still, what takes three years to do (the weight gain) takes a lot of time to undo, if that's even possible, and I was fighting an uphill battle, it seemed.

In November 2009, a few days before Thanksgiving, I underwent a LapBand procedure designed to limit my eating. I won't spend a lot of time discussing this, but, suffice it to say that, for me, surgery was a mistake. If you can follow all the rigid pre- and post-surgical nutrition, eating and exercise requirements and restrictions, there's no need for the surgery. You can do it on your own. I wish I had realized this before I had the surgery, but I didn't.

Fast-forward to November 2010, one year post-surgery. I still hadn't achieved the weight loss I want. I still wasn't exercising. I was still round. These photos show what I looked like in the Summer of 2009. (BTW, when I look at them, I alternatively want to throw up or die.)

Summer 2010 "fat photos"

Now, fast forward again to January 2011. I'd lost roughly 30 pounds since September by forcing myself to eat three small, nutritious meals each day and keeping a food journal. My back pain was gone. My joint pain was long gone. The bariatric surgeon has oh-so-helpfully told me that I am losing the weight "on my own," without any assistance from the LapBand. (Again, why the surgery was a mistake is a longer story that may not be necessary here.)

People are starting to notice a difference and comment on it! I am starting to gain my self-confidence back. I even try to date for the first time in over a year and a half.

I am now ready to take the plunge and do the hard work. Let the games begin...cue "Rocky" training music.