Observations of a Pop Culture Junkie

Sunday, February 27, 2011


Now, you're probably thinking this means something other than what it does, namely that I am starving, dying to eat the things I am "depriving" myself of in an effort to lose weight.

On the contrary, I have no desire to eat and barely any appetite. If I've eaten 10 actual meals in the last month, I'd be shocked. (BTW, that's BAD. That means my metabolism is probably slowing to practically nothing right now, despite working out.)

There are a few parts to this: first, the former pseudo-significant other. I was "dating" someone who, in a desire to lose weight before modeling in a show, basically decided not to eat anymore. Obviously then, I did not want to eat when I was with him (him having no weight to lose, except MAYBE in the modeling world, and me having much weight to lose still). Add to that his near-constant comments about my weight: "heavy," "chubby," etc. and his constant evaluations of other women's physiques. It got to the point where I had to explain to him explicitly (both verbally and in writing) that each time he made such a comment, even if it was a back-handed compliment, it was like he was sticking a knife in my heart. Add to that the positive affirmation I received each time I had lost additional weight when he saw me. (I mean, I am down 2 or 3 jean sizes since we met.) That was nice, but it also, unfortunately, reinforced my lack of desire to eat and lack of appetite.

Remember that fitness is both physical and mental, and they are inextricably intertwined.

Enter the part where things went south with pseudo-sig other, and I realized he was not treating me the way I deserve to be treated. Trust me when I say that it took A LOT to get to that point (a lot more than most people would deal with) because I really adored him.

Having grown up in a household of domestic violence where my father ruled with an iron fist and a leather belt, I am, sadly, used to being treated badly by men. As a result, looking back, I always let my boyfriends treat me badly, not to the point of being beaten, thankfully, but VERY BADLY. It wasn't until a year and a half ago or so that I finally stood up to the person I had been dating for the better part of a year and said, "F%&# you. I deserve better. Goodbye." That's how damaged my self-esteem was...

And still is...this time, it took me a much shorter time to tell my "special friend" that I deserved better and to say goodbye much as it hurt. Still, even as I sit here and write this, knowing how miserably things ended, I question myself. Maybe I made too big a deal out of things. Maybe I was being too sensitive. Maybe I shouldn't have let his comments bother me. Maybe then we'd still be "dating" instead of me being back in the NYC dating cesspool again. At least I'd have someone attaractive of the opposite sex to spend intimate time with, right?

I know deep down that I did the right thing and that I wasn't being treated well. I have to remind myself again and again though, daily, even hourly, especially on nights like tonight, when I had hoped to spend time with this person, that I am better off being alone than being with someone who treats me badly. This is an extremely difficult mental challenge that I face now and probably will face for the rest of my life with respect to whomever I "date."

Then, there was the stomach flu, my parting gift from Mr. Wrong shortly post-Valentine's Day. That was good for a week or so of little to no eating because anything and everything made me violently ill.

Then, there's the issue of logistics. I have been out of work for two months which, for me, means I've been going to bed at 2 or 3 in the morning most nights and sleeping until mid-day. My entire body clock is off.

Part of the reason I did really well losing weight this fall was that I was working regular hours and, with a regimented work schedule, was, thus, able to do a decent job of forcing myself to eat three meals a day.

I've never been a breakfast person. I HATE breakfast food. In this journey to fit, I have finally gotten to a point though where I know that I need to eat three times a day, and I realize that breakfast can be whatever I want it to be as long as there's protein involved.

Now comes tomorrow - WORK - amen! Hopefully, now that I will be working regular days again, my body clock will reset itself, I will regain an appetite and desire to eat, and I will be eating three meals a day again in addition to working out.

That's my challenge for this week...stay tuned.

1 comment:

  1. You did the right thing leaving this person. I firmly believe that it is better to be alone than to be with someone who mistreats you. Your past does not have the power to dictate your present and future.... You can and should demand better for yourself! You deserve it!

    I know what it's like to not have that desire to eat, when I am upset or stressed I have zero appetite. But, you have to make an effort to.... Not doing so will throw your body out of whack.